INTRODUCTION

NEGOTIATION FAILURE, RESILIENCE, AND THE 5 STEPS

—ROBERT F. KENNEDY

Negotiation Failure

A survey of the literature on negotiation produces something very interesting—a lot of discussion about success. To give just a few examples, books on the topic include Herb Cohen's You Can Negotiate Anything: How to Get What You Want, Tim Castle's The Art of Negotiation: How to Get What You Want (Every Time),and Peter B. Stark and Jane Flaherty's The Only Negotiating Guide You Will Ever Need: 101 Ways to Win Every Time in Any Situation. These book titles make a lot of sense, because everyone wants to succeed in their negotiations. But while that may be our ultimate goal, it is simply not how negotiation works in practice. While negotiators always strive to succeed, Kennedy's words are prescient. We all experience failure...especially given the complexity of many of our negotiations.

Some of the most difficult conversations I have with people when it comes to negotiation are around failure. That is because negotiating effectively, with all its barriers and pitfalls, is very difficult. The dilemma we face when we fail is that we have to figure out what to do in the aftermath.

How do we understand what happened? How much of the failure was due to our actions, and how do we cope with that? What about the other negotiator and their contributions? And how much of the failure was due to hidden dimensions and a lack of certain information that was not known or available at the outset? Negotiation is a multifaceted mix of the participants' actions and reactions, dealing with incomplete information, and numerous additional dynamics, some of which are in our control and some of which are not. So, we will fail. The key question is, how do we become resilient in the face of these failures and use them as an opportunity to grow and get better at this craft?

Before continuing, let me share with you how I define the purpose of negotiation, because I have a rather broad conception of the process. We generally negotiate to do one of three things. First, we negotiate to create a deal—perhaps between two businesses where one provides a service to the other, or a union and management trying to agree on a contract that benefits them both, or governments crafting a free trade pact. Second, we use negotiation to build relationships and partnerships with those we want to engage with, for various reasons, now and into the future. Parents and teachers who work together as part of a parent-teacher organization negotiate much more effectively if they have a strong relationship with each other, and the governments of states that border one another and engage regularly on many fronts can collaborate most effectively in their negotiations with a positive rapport. Finally, we use negotiation to solve conflicts or have difficult conversations. Whether internally with co-workers or externally with clients, our working lives are filled with conflicts. The process of, and skill sets associated with negotiation, lend themselves to dealing with these kinds of challenges—particularly when the human element (i.e., issues related to respect, our identity, etc.) is involved.

Now that we know when we use negotiation, let me share my experience of a negotiation situation that occurred many years ago in which I failed. It was a difficult pill to swallow, because I made a mistake that I could likely have avoided. A consulting job was offered to me that was very generous in terms of salary, but there was an important sticking point. The company wanted me to commute close to two hours every day, and I simply did not want to do that because I had small children at the time and did not want to miss that much time with them. I explained to the company that I was prepared to come in two days each week, or perhaps three occasionally, if it was really necessary. There seemed to be many ways to handle the situation, and I tried to offer some creative ideas, as did they, but none of them stuck. We went back and forth to no avail, until we collectively gave up on the process. Only later did I learn that the company ultimately hired someone else for the position and gave them more flexibility than they were prepared to give to me. Part of that had to do with the person's level of experience, but part had to do with the company's interests. It turned out that I had misunderstood one of their underlying requirements: for the person they hired to be present for all high-profile events, but not necessarily every day. Somehow that distinction never crystalized clearly in our conversations, so we were unable to settle on a viable solution that would have benefitted both them and me.

INTRODUCTION

NEGOTIATION FAILURE, RESILIENCE, AND THE 5 STEPS

—ROBERT F. KENNEDY

Negotiation Failure

A survey of the literature on negotiation produces something very interesting—a lot of discussion about success. To give just a few examples, books on the topic include Herb Cohen's You Can Negotiate Anything: How to Get What You Want, Tim Castle's The Art of Negotiation: How to Get What You Want (Every Time),and Peter B. Stark and Jane Flaherty's The Only Negotiating Guide You Will Ever Need: 101 Ways to Win Every Time in Any Situation. These book titles make a lot of sense, because everyone wants to succeed in their negotiations. But while that may be our ultimate goal, it is simply not how negotiation works in practice. While negotiators always strive to succeed, Kennedy's words are prescient. We all experience failure...especially given the complexity of many of our negotiations.

Some of the most difficult conversations I have with people when it comes to negotiation are around failure. That is because negotiating effectively, with all its barriers and pitfalls, is very difficult. The dilemma we face when we fail is that we have to figure out what to do in the aftermath.

How do we understand what happened? How much of the failure was due to our actions, and how do we cope with that? What about the other negotiator and their contributions? And how much of the failure was due to hidden dimensions and a lack of certain information that was not known or available at the outset? Negotiation is a multifaceted mix of the participants' actions and reactions, dealing with incomplete information, and numerous additional dynamics, some of which are in our control and some of which are not. So, we will fail. The key question is, how do we become resilient in the face of these failures and use them as an opportunity to grow and get better at this craft?

Before continuing, let me share with you how I define the purpose of negotiation, because I have a rather broad conception of the process. We generally negotiate to do one of three things. First, we negotiate to create a deal—perhaps between two businesses where one provides a service to the other, or a union and management trying to agree on a contract that benefits them both, or governments crafting a free trade pact. Second, we use negotiation to build relationships and partnerships with those we want to engage with, for various reasons, now and into the future. Parents and teachers who work together as part of a parent-teacher organization negotiate much more effectively if they have a strong relationship with each other, and the governments of states that border one another and engage regularly on many fronts can collaborate most effectively in their negotiations with a positive rapport. Finally, we use negotiation to solve conflicts or have difficult conversations. Whether internally with co-workers or externally with clients, our working lives are filled with conflicts. The process of, and skill sets associated with negotiation, lend themselves to dealing with these kinds of challenges—particularly when the human element (i.e., issues related to respect, our identity, etc.) is involved.

Now that we know when we use negotiation, let me share my experience of a negotiation situation that occurred many years ago in which I failed. It was a difficult pill to swallow, because I made a mistake that I could likely have avoided. A consulting job was offered to me that was very generous in terms of salary, but there was an important sticking point. The company wanted me to commute close to two hours every day, and I simply did not want to do that because I had small children at the time and did not want to miss that much time with them. I explained to the company that I was prepared to come in two days each week, or perhaps three occasionally, if it was really necessary. There seemed to be many ways to handle the situation, and I tried to offer some creative ideas, as did they, but none of them stuck. We went back and forth to no avail, until we collectively gave up on the process. Only later did I learn that the company ultimately hired someone else for the position and gave them more flexibility than they were prepared to give to me. Part of that had to do with the person's level of experience, but part had to do with the company's interests. It turned out that I had misunderstood one of their underlying requirements: for the person they hired to be present for all high-profile events, but not necessarily every day. Somehow that distinction never crystalized clearly in our conversations, so we were unable to settle on a viable solution that would have benefitted both them and me.